Week 25: Halted By Grace
Weekly Digital Detox Reflections
Grace and peace be with you. Welcome to The Endeavor. It’s occurred to me after 24 weeks of consistent publishing that I should probably give some time and attention to the “about” section of this publication. If you’re one of the new subscribers, thank you for looking past this shortcoming and subscribing anyway. This newsletter is still evolving. I’m honestly unsure if I can fully articulate what it’s all about, but I’ll try.
As a whole, The Endeavor is a Christian publication about learning to be obedient to Christ as we live in (but not of) this fallen world. At the age of 33, my endeavor has already traversed fatherlessness, the death of my mother, substance abuse, addictions to pornography and masturbation, and the brutal crash of my time as a minister which has left me an ecumenical mess™️ now searching for a church to call home. Yet through all of that, by the grace of God, I have come to understand (partly) and believe in the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ, recognizing Him as Savior, Lord, Creator, King, and the almighty God of the universe. This publication aims to share thoughts, experiences, and lessons learned along the way and to encourage readers to keep going on their endeavors! Life is difficult. The world can be dark and cruel. But a life lived in obedience to Christ means we can walk with the confidence of 10 men because our confidence is in Him.1
These weekly digital detox reflections are the result of my continual efforts toward digital minimalism. Each week, I dedicate as much time away from digital technology as I can manage and deliver my reflections from that time to readers here. In case you missed my update, from this point forward I am continuing my essays on Spiritual Disciplines at a slower pace and going back to simply giving you my reflections for the week. The Spiritual Disciplines are simply too important and demand more attention than I can give weekly. I look forward to continuing that series and will have the next one in your inbox in the coming weeks. Thankfully I can continue to add these disciplines to my daily life as I subtract digital technology. Practicing meditation, prayer, fasting, study, and simplicity more deliberately has revitalized my life, which leads to where my thoughts have been.
Where My Thoughts Have Been/Progress Report
I’m stuck. Not at a crossroads, but at a point of convergence. One track of my life has been this pursuit of digital minimalism. Another track has become living a more devout lifestyle, trying my best to be an image of Christ in the world through the spiritual disciplines mentioned above. The third track has been the sorting out of my ecumenical mess™️ as I continue to narrow down which church I will call home. Significant progress has been made but one change in particular has stopped me in my tracks. What’s changed? Well, I’ve begun to include prayer with Mary, the Mother of our Lord, into my daily life and am convinced she is praying on my behalf.
As you may or may not know, my searching and wrestling for a church home has led me to a point where I am ready to decide between Roman Catholicism or Easter Orthodoxy. Both of these traditions practice praying to Mary and the saints. As a lifelong Protestant, the concept of praying to the saints is something I did not understand and did not find acceptable up until a couple of years ago. I was vehemently opposed to it. But through studying the traditions of the Church and taking the time to learn the difference between prayer, veneration, and worship I became open to the idea. Well, as I studied the disciplines of meditation/ contemplative prayer and intercessory prayer I realized it was time to not just be okay with it conceptually, but to put it into practice. I was nervous. I was scared. But in understanding that I was not being disobedient, disrespectful, or heretical to Jesus, I slowly but meaningfully asked Mary to pray for my family and myself, so that I may understand her and her role in the Kingdom and for her help to love Christ more. I prayed that prayer on a Friday or Saturday night in my office. Over the next few days, I prayed for the same things and for help to become more comfortable talking to her. The responses to these prayers have been nothing short of amazing.
Each Monday, I service a few businesses in Columbus, GA before heading to Fort Moore, GA for the rest of the workday. It’s very physical and dirty and can be a drag if I don’t get off to a good start. Thankfully, the day started just right. The children had slept well which meant I had slept well so I had plenty of energy. I was in a good mood and was looking forward to a calm day. Because Mary was on my mind, I listened to a Lord of Spirits podcast about her and her role in the Kingdom. I had listened to it before but was now listening to learn something I maybe missed the first time. I prayed and asked God to help me learn. I have a habit of praying often as I drive, especially when I’ve been dealing with annoying customers or the work is about to get tough. I was at the point where work was about to get hard so I stopped to pray again. As I did, I froze, overwhelmed by the sense that Mary was present and she was responding to my concerns about praying to her. I didn’t see anything, or hear her voice or anything like that but I could just feel her in the truck telling me “I’m here to help. I love the Lord and I want you to love the Lord. I’m here to help.” I was completely caught off guard and had no idea what to do. All I could think of was reaching out to someone I thought would understand and ensuring I wasn’t going crazy. My friend
was kind enough to hop on the phone with me and confirm that not only was I not crazy, but this experience was in line with how others have experienced the presence of Mary. He informed me that one of the titles of Mary is Our Lady Of Perpetual Help. How amazing is that?!? At the end of the phone call, Scoot challenged me to pray a simple novena (a nine-day prayer) with him. The prayer is associated with the Green Scapular and goes as follows.Immaculate heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.
The novena ended almost a month ago. The prayer has yet to cease. The culmination of a less distracted lifestyle, help from Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and practice of the Spiritual Disciplines has led to an infusion of grace I’ve never experienced. Christ has taken hold of my heart and given me a pause of peace. I have been halted by grace.
When I say halted, I mean it. No matter what I’m doing or what I’m reading or listening to, I cannot help but think about God’s grace, feel the compassion it brings, and become more mindful in showing that grace to others. Honestly, I hadn’t realized just how much I had been withholding grace from others. This has become most evident at work. Until this infusion of grace took place, I couldn’t see how hard I had become. When a customer would ask a seemingly stupid question, I would be harsh and abrupt in response. Now, I recognize their questions are not stupid at all. They don’t know how my job works. How could they? I’ve started to listen and answer their questions with grace and this has changed everything. All of a sudden all harsh exteriors are disappearing and after their questions have been answered, we’re having conversations and laughing with one another. This has happened with all of my customers making my work less arduous than ever. What amazes me now is understanding that extending this grace to others has helped me accept the grace and forgiveness God has been extending to me for years. I’ve been uselessly carrying burdens Jesus has told me to put down and finally, I’m beginning to listen.
Despite genuine spiritual growth and the fact that I served as a leader in campus ministry, most of my time in college was spent high on cannabis. Eventually, I confessed these sins privately to my pastor, and then publicly to my fellow leaders in the ministry. They showed much grace, promptly forgave me, and allowed me time to regain their trust and respect. However, I’ve never fully forgiven myself for this behavior. I’ve been ashamed of myself for years and have spent many days and nights dwelling on those sins. But God in His grace is softening my heart and finally allowing me to feel truly forgiven. He understands I was exposed to cannabis at a young age and smoking was essentially condoned by my family and encouraged by society. He helped me recognize the sin for what it is and worked in my life to free me from it. He has also given me eyes to see others suffering from this addiction with compassion. This pattern of guilt to freedom is true of yet another set of addictions I’ve endeavored to overcome.
My young adult life was plagued by pornography and masturbation. For whatever reason, these produced much more guilt and shame for me than marijuana. At times the guilt and shame became so burdensome I refrained from the sins, not out of freedom, but because I couldn’t bear the weight. But eventually, I would again succumb to my flesh and continue the cycle of perpetual condemnation. Eventually, I confessed these sins and was again promptly forgiven, yet I continued to needlessly carry the condemnation. It wasn’t until last week that I began to recognize the grace and forgiveness Christ has been trying to give me. I was listening to an episode of Pints with Aquinas where the host Matt Fradd made a gracious statement that men in particular who have struggled with these issues need to hear.
“It’s easy to look at a man and berate him for why he looks at pornography. And of course pornography is shameful and ought not to be engaged in but when you begin to realize someone showed him this when he was eight and then he was on a steady diet of it, you start to have compassion and even express sorrow for the fact that he was raised on pornography.
Matt Fradd
I cannot claim to have been shown pornography at the age of 8, but I can tell you that at a very early age, maybe 9 or 10, I was beginning to be taught implicitly that women were objects for my pleasure. I’ve written before about how amazing my mother was and stand by that. But this does not mean she was perfect. She had flaws and would say she believed many of those flaws came out of rebellion against her parents who she believed sheltered her too much from the world. It seems to me that she was so adamant about not sheltering us to the same extent that she was a little too loose with us. There were certainly things we were not allowed to watch or listen to but for some reason, we were allowed to look at overly sexualized images of women. Victoria's Secret catalogs would show up at the house and before long my brother and I had full access to them, and we weren’t shopping for lingerie. Multiple catalogs and magazines with similar images soon made their way into our playroom and we were left to our devices and it was up to us to learn how to process what we were seeing. Combine that with no father in the home, and with music and media where everything is pornified,2and it becomes easy to see that I’m not the disgusting monster I’ve believed myself to be. Like many other men and women, I was raised to accept broken ideas from a broken world. Yet over the last month, Christ has finally broken through to me and given me the ability to feel and experience His grace and forgiveness and I cannot help but see a connection with my prayers to Mary. Fear not my protestant brothers and sisters. I’m fully aware that all good things are from God and God alone. I am not giving Mary credit for the grace of God. I simply believe the prayers of the righteous are pleasing to Him3, and she is most certainly righteous.
“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”
Romans 8:1 KJV
I’ve read Romans 8:1 many times but until now, I’ve never allowed myself to let it sink in. If you have a past you feel is as shameful or even more shameful than mine, I want you to know that you can be free from that shame. It is good to experience shame or conviction. It’s right to recognize ways in which you have done wrong. But it is critical to realize that repentance, turning from sin to a life obedient to Jesus, will free you from your guilt and shame and fill your life with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control4. Remember, even when it comes to your sin, there is nothing new under the sun5. Your sins are not unique. God has forgiven others for those same sins and offers that forgiveness to you. If you are struggling with guilt, shame, or condemnation and need someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me through a comment or email. I would be happy to lend you my ear and pray for you.
Well, that’s where my thoughts have been and my progress report all wrapped together. Thank you for reading! I’ll be back next week with a new set of reflections. Have a blessed week!
Benediction
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us, we sinners.
“The LORD bless thee, and keep thee: The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.”
Numbers 6:24-26 KJV
Amen.
Thank you for reading! Do your best to disconnect from the artificial, and connect with others.
And as always,
Keep thy head cool and thine eyes true.
Howard Pyle, Man of Iron
Scripture of the Week
“For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world; looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ; who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works. These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee.”
Titus 2:11-15 KJV
Word of the Week
(verb) Traverse- To pass through, across, or over.
Why traverse? It’s just a good word.
Music of the Week
This week, I have selected the song “Bluebird” by Alexis Ffrench. It’s one of the most beautiful classical piano songs I’ve ever come across. Let it play as you take a few minutes to reflect on God’s grace.
That line was a reference to this song.
Psalm 141:2
Galatians 5:22-23
Ecclesiastes 1:9
I'm a lifelong Catholic but struggled to understand Mary for years. What finally clarified it for me was an experience in prayer where I imagined myself listening to the Sermon on the Mount-- or trying to. I tried to imagine it as realistically as I could, and found that there were too many people in the way, I couldn't hear very well, and I couldn't move closer. I had the thought, "Mary would be right up front since she's His mom. I wonder if she could get me closer." I called out to her, and I immediately saw her moving through the crowd to get me, and then moving me up front where I could actually see and hear.
And that was it. It sounds simple, but for whatever reason that clarified stuff I'd known intellectually for years (and even tried to act on) into something I could actually understand.
Your journey toward accepting the love and support of Mary and growing in forgiveness and compassion for yourself is beautiful and filled with evidence of the Holy Spirit working in your life. I would suggest entering into prayer about the possibility of approaching a priest to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession). Probably better to ask a priest privately rather than just showing up in a confessional; often this sacrament is available on the way to entering the Church fully (likely this is the same in Orthodoxy, as well).
The freedom that comes with the first sacramental (I am not diminishing your private and public confessions in the past, but the sacrament itself is *more*) confession is most atonishing. I pray you will receive this sometime in the coming months!