Let Him Deny Himself

Striving to be a Christ-like Husband.

Christ Carrying the Cross by Sabastiano Del Pimbo about 1515/1517

Any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself, or be cast away? - Jesus. Luke 9:23-25

Before we get going, I will warn readers now; as we go into this and eventually onto other posts, I plan to always use the King James Version of scripture. It is not because I believe it has ultimate superiority over any other translations. I’m using it because it is beautiful. It may be difficult to read at times but the eloquent prose offered to us in this translation is something that should not be taken for granted. I have been inspired in recent years by Bishop Barron, Jordan Peterson, and Jonathan Pagaeu to add beauty to my life in any way I can manage, and sticking to the KJV will help in this regard. Consider yourselves warned.

Losing yourself to the concerns of this world is easier than it has ever been. We have instant access to more information than we could ever process yet we lack the wisdom necessary to discern meaning from any of it.

What’s the latest on the war in Ukraine? Are we [the U.S.] officially at war yet? Why are the Russians and Chinese getting so cozy? Wait, another mass shooting? Another one at a church?!? The Catholic Church swept how many instances of child abuse under the rug? Am I going to need to take out a loan just to buy groceries? President Biden seems like he’s fading before our eyes and we’re supposed to believe he is in charge? Trump is running again and he got arrested?

I’m also trying to eat healthier food but added sugar is in almost everything. As is soybean oil, palm oil, and countless other fillers that were probably never meant for high-volume consumption.

The internet or rather the screens through which it is accessed seem to feed us our concerns along with our temptations. See a headline about a looming economic collapse then get an ad for a shiny new car you can’t afford but now want. Read about the horrible things social media is doing to your attention span then get an ad for a device you strap on your damn head that allows you to live in the metaverse. Learn about all the health concerns you should have about all the nasty ingredients in processed food, then get hit by an ad with a mostly-naked, voluptuous model for a fitness program that is guaranteed to change your life if you cough up enough of your money and time.

All of this is overwhelming. The concerns are valid yet they almost all seem to be out of our control. I know more about the affairs across the country and globe than I do about what’s happening in the town where I live. And worse, I can’t do anything about any of it. But that’s just how things are. Combine all of this with trying to be a good spouse, parent, sibling, friend, and employee….just thinking through all of it is exhausting. But we don’t just think through these things. It’s how most of us are living. But it does not have to be this way. We can take another approach.

Through conversations with my wife and brother, reading the essays of Paul Kingsnorth, and a disciplined routine of prayer and reading Holy Scripture, my life has begun to coalesce. What is becoming clear to me is that I need to let go of worrying about every current affair, let go of the distractions on Instagram, let go of all the ways I am justifying giving in to my temptations, and focus on the things that are most important to me. How do I approach that? A few pieces of scripture come to mind immediately.

Again,

Any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself, or be cast away? - Jesus. Luke 9:23-25

If ye be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affections on things above, not on the things on the earth. Colossians 3:1-2

Finally, bretheren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoevet things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Phillipians 4:8

What are the things in my life which are above? Who might I serve better by denying myself? What is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and virtuous? What are these noble, heavenly, Kingdom things I could participate in if I could drop the worries and distractions of this world?

These questions may sound heady and difficult but the answers are staring me straight in the face. My wife and my children will have better lives if I can deny myself and serve them. Honoring my family by becoming like Christ, and imitating Him while being a husband, father, brother, friend, and co-worker is how I focus on things above. By remaining faithful in my obedience to God, I can remain honest, just, pure, and lovely. I can be virtuous and become an example of how to be in the world but not of it. Ultimately my entire life can point to Christ. These are tall tasks. This is not an easy way to live life. However, I cannot think of anything better I could be doing with my time.

Future posts will focus on being a good father and good man but for the remainder of this post, my focus will be on becoming a good husband.

I’m going to guess the subject of Christian marriage is the topic of millions of articles, sermons, podcasts, books, etc…It seems to be one of the things most addressed in Christian circles. Why? I don’t think there is a mystery here. It’s because marriage is tough. And there are many ways to address all the specifics, but the bottom line is that Christian marriage, at its very core, is based on denying/dying to yourself and your selfish desires and serving your spouse while directing them to Christ.

To be a husband is to deny myself any desire or opportunity in the present or future to be intimate with any woman other than my wife. It means I deny myself the want to earn money to spend on selfish things or pursuits and I now earn money that will be spent for the betterment of my wife and children. It means when I have worked a long, grueling day, I deny myself the pull to just come home, sit and stare at a screen with a beer, and instead clean myself up, and help cook, clean, and take care of my family. It means that I constantly look and listen for ways to serve them. I am not perfect at this but I can honestly say I do put in the effort. And through my faithful efforts the harvest I have started to reap is far better than what I thought was being sown.

As I remain faithful and intimate with my wife, the desire and temptation to be intimate with anyone else has simply not presented itself. I pray the Lord’s prayer every morning and the call “lead me not into temptation” has been answered day in and day out. The money we earn that is spent on the betterment of the family as a whole is always more beneficial to me than anything I would waste it on if spent selfishly. When I come home and dive into being a spouse and a dad instead of being a hermit, I am not only a better husband and father; I have way more fun! As I faithfully endure the journey of becoming like Christ, my desires transform. I find I no longer seek the things that will only be good for me but get better and better at seeking what’s best for them. My desires die, while the desires of Christ in me begin to grow. Here I am reminded of another piece of Scripture. One specifically directed at marriage.

Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorioius church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:20-27

This passage is usually controversial in our culture and even in the Church at times. I understand the controversy as an American. American men and women simply cringe when they are told to submit to anything or anyone. But honestly, if this text gets you all hot and bothered, I would question whether or not you read it. I heard a joke recently from Fr. Andrew Stephen Damick on these verses. Once on the Lord of Spirits call-in radio show/podcast (a show I seriously cannot recommend highly enough) and once again, I believe, on The Areopagus (another fantastic podcast). He jokingly mentions a wish to sum this passage up to a couple before they say “I do” by turning to the bride and saying “submit” and then turning to the groom and saying “die”. Kidding aside, I think this joke effectively communicates these probably often over-analyzed verses.

The first command we’re told to do by this verse is to submit to one another in the fear of the Lord. The “fear” here is intended to communicate that we submit to each other out of reverence for God, recognizing both man and woman, husband and wife are each made in the image of God. Yes, it is communicating for wives to submit to their husbands but this in no way communicates that this is to be some sort of slave to the husband. On the contrary. Immediately after telling wives to submit to their husbands, it turns to husbands and tells us to “love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for it.” And how exactly did Christ love the church? He died for It. There is no better example of someone denying themselves, taking up their cross, and dying for their bride. Christ’s unfaithful bride is the church and he died for her anyway, so that she may be redeemed and be Holy.

To be a Christ-like husband means I am humbly blessed with the God-given responsibility and opportunity to love my wife to the point of death. In the most dramatic imagery, it might look like taking a bullet for her. But on a day-to-day level, it means I continually deny all the selfish impulses or desires that come about in me and serve her. And as I serve, I ask not for praise or payback or reward of any kind but instead do my absolute best to point her to Christ.

As I strive to become a Christ-like husband I realize it may be a goal I will never fully achieve. I will always have more questions than answers. My flaws will be more visible to me than my virtues. But if I can manage to find the straight and narrow path with my family, I will have lived a life that participates in the Kingdom of God. What could be better?